FORGIVENESS

Reflections from Ken: 

In 50 years of marriage there are a lot of opportunities for forgiveness. There are two parts. The first is the "for" part. This is forgiveness for me. This is for when I ask my Sweetie to forgive me when I've done her wrong, spoken rudely, or just plain not respected her in some way. 

When Chris's dad died was a good example to me of what not to do. The night she came home from his death bed, she just wanted to talk to me about it. Well, couldn't she see I was completely engrossed in my TV hockey game? Clearly this was not the right time or was it? It would be years before I understood the full impact of the hurt I caused her that night. The rejection I gave only solidified some of the feelings she may have had from her father years ago when he didn't really understand how important it was to positively affirm his children. When I came to my senses, and realized the importance of my actions and asked for forgiveness, a weight was lifted from our marriage. Chris just wanted to be heard and have a shoulder to cry on and to know how important her feelings were to me. 

The second part is the "give" part. It's when I give forgiveness to others like my wife when I've been hurt. Part of this is just having a "forgiving heart". That way, whether or not forgiveness is asked for, I'm not being controlled by or constantly living in the feeling of hurt. If I hear myself saying words like "you always" or "you never", there's a good chance I have not really forgiven her. Sometimes we need help with this one.   

Forgiveness is all about not living in the negative past, but living in the best possible moment right now. Sometimes we need someone to talk to. Our story matters. Healing can take place. It’s all about restoring relationship with our Creator, being filled with joy, overflowing and abounding in love. A new beginning. In our marriage, we’ve experienced this with each other as we forgive (many times over – sometimes daily), big things and little things. Like the time Chris got attacked by a cow in the barn yard early one morning. She came in covered from head to toe in muddy cow poop. I made the mistake of laughing at her (in front of others) rather than making sure she was okay.  I was not aware that she was in a state of shock and just needed to be held. And I suppose I should have taken her advice and gotten rid of the cow because she carried on that behavior. Anytime Chris tried to tell me her feelings about that moment, I could only think of how funny she looked. 

It was 20 years before she could see my perspective, but only after she realized that she had done a similar thing to our 12 year old son when he was showing a 4-H calf at the local fair. As he was coming around the ring in the novice showmanship class, his calf started to lay down. The farmer standing next to Chris commented, "calf looks a bit low in the shoulder" and that made her crack up. Our son looked up and saw her laughing but he thought it was at him. Last night she apologized to him and asked forgiveness before she could finish this post.

We all need forgiveness. We all need to give forgiveness. We all need to ask forgiveness. It is never too late. We can forgive others because Jesus first forgave us. The greatest story ever told is about forgiveness in the greatest book ever written.

"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part" (Matt 6 14-15 The Message).

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Doctor Christina Forster has been married to Ken, her Farmer Sweetie, for 52 years. Both are retired from their multi-generational, high profile Maplehurst Dairy Farm in Southern Ontario Canada and now enjoy travel together and grandparenting.

Chris has been blogging at Quilting at the Farm for 10 years engaging with quilters around the world. She holds a Master of Theological Studies and a Doctor of Ministry Christian Counseling. One of her passions is to see marriages restored by husbands and wives receiving healing of the heart, mind and spirit. This is done by allowing God to speak into painful memories through the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross in the power of the Holy Spirit. She has published one book Denine: One mother's journey with a profoundly handicapped child and has several others in process.