LISTEN

A lot has been written about love language. And knowing the love language of our spouse is a good thing. My husband’s love language is words of affirmation. I spent a lot of years tearing him down and criticizing him for not doing the things I asked him to do. My love language is acts of service. I have given myself in the service of my family for years, but did not feel the love back in that regard. Here I want to talk about listening.

I often told my husband what was going on in my head and recounting things I have been doing or planning to do. I sat in my easy chair. He lay on the couch. I talked. He listened. Then he began to snore. Sometimes I carried on talking, then realized that he was asleep. I would quietly ask, “Are you asleep?” Sometimes he would repeat the last thing I said. Other times, he did not. Lots of times, I would be talking and he just got up and walked out of the room. Or turned on the TV.

Many times I offered creative suggestions or scathingly brilliant ideas about doing something. His response often was, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.” Then, a few months later he would implement that very idea and it was successful. He would receive accolades. I would feel hurt. When it was his idea, it was great. It took me a lot of years to realize that he needed time to ponder the idea. Tweak it a bit. Add some details. We had some heated discussions a few times about this.

We came up with an agreeable response. I present my thoughts and ideas. He responds with, “I will take that under consideration.” We are both happy. For him, there was no pressure or expectation. For me, I was heard. During my menopause journey. I cried so often because he was not “hearing” me.

Is hearing different from listening? I think hearing is done with the ears and the head. But listening, really hearing what is said, is done with the heart. What a radical idea. Hearing with the heart. Almost like caring about what the other is saying. 

Ken's thoughts:

The heart emotes a plethora of expressions all ready to be listened to. Some are word expressions. Some physical expressions. Some hand expressions. Years ago, when we used to bale hay onto the wagon, Chris drove the tractor, Ken stacked the bales onto the wagon. We developed hand signals. What gear to go in, four-wheel drive, go, speed up, slow down, stop for broken bale. 

From the tractor, all the signals looked the same to her, until the volume of my voice rose, when all else failed, jumping up and down waving arms frantically. Then she stopped. 

We have eyes to listen to facial expressions, like that certain smile that says everything in my kingdom is okay. The crying, the sobbing, the flirtatious eyes, the darting-threatening eyes saying, if you carry on with that story, you will most probably be sleeping on the couch tonight. The taking your sweetie's hand as you walk down the lane with the kids to catch the school bus, or, that hand in the night, lying in bed when your spouse suddenly rolls to the farthest most edge, giving off the message that says, go back to sleep. 

If we sharpen our listening skills and allow our actions or words that follow to be encouraging and loving, whether after 1 year, 10 years or 50 years, we find ourselves creating a brand new mate, the one we were destined to have in the beginning, all because we learned to listen. So, listen with a purpose to make your husband/wife better, happier and more fulfilled.  

I (Chris) have often said, “If you love me, don’t bring me stuff. Do the dishes or bring me chocolate. I get a lot of chocolate for birthdays and Christmas. My family heard. But I still have to do the dishes.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19 NIV).